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From That To This

NM The first guy with his porcelain skin and brown hair made my 14 year old self feel something downstairs. I just wanted to talk to him all the time, and it made me feel important and beautiful. AB He made me feel like a special friend and important. I wanted to be the first one he comes to when anything shareable happened in his life. VK That was a severe one. I really wanted it to turn into something. AS It was a fleeting sweet thing. Didn't mean much but made me feel nice for a very brief time. SA This was forced by friends, I was crushing on him under peer pressure. We had one close chat about soap opera. I was quite indifferent, but ok, as long as I get to be the center of discussions, and get nudged by friends. CD It was sapiosexual thing LS It was again a sapiosexual thing. I got some favors during my school time, even gifts. It was fun. RS I thought I was ready for mature sexual encounter, but I was not even close. I was saved before anything unhealthy could have happened....
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Dissociation

The state of being, existence Just being there,  And years fly by, You were fighting over tiffin box and now you are staring at your screen Lot of things happened on the way, or did they? The last thing I remember is, packing my school bag in hurry because it was almost time for school bus. I was screaming, calling my mother, asking her to do my hair. And now, now I am seeking help for my mental health. Talking to therapist, getting used to losing love. I am sorry to myself that I couldn't protect myself in the childhood, from the emotional abuse and trauma. I do not remember good things, why is that? I am sure there must be something. Why does my brain not wanna see them? I feel this compulsive need of being angry, and ready to attack. I was and I am always ready to attack, and life flew by by me.  
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Hope To See You II

The call of love My longing What is calling me, it sounds like love But is it though Something's missing, something that I know I need These walls are caving in, making me feel safe, my friend is sitting a little too close, pinning me still They have me tied, in their clutches, my wall and my friend they know what's best for me They aren't hurting me, they are saving me from the hurt. They are doing this for my own good Pinned me down, held me by the neck, air supply a little too low, and the noises a little too louder. I can hardly hear what's on the inside, I am safely tied here, and with whom my trust is safe. I need love, but what is it? What is love? Why do I keep yearning for something? Why do I keep mourning? I feel grief, all I feel is intense sadness.  I know I am safe, I am not getting hurt, then what is this pain, these bruises, Why am I trying to escape, why am I trying to run away, I am sorry my friend I need to go, but where, and why. We have been through ...
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So Still, So Quiet III

The wall I broke, the bones I shattered Made you angry, I know you are disappointed I know you aren't keeping well, I know I shouldn't have  I betrayed you, I know I left you  I deserve to be betrayed too. I am sorry I can breathe a little better. I am sorry I want more, I want to search, I want to find. I am sorry I don't want to suffocate anymore. I am sorry I want to be found, and be lost anymore. My friend. I ran, reached outside, there is a lot of blur. Everyone and everything is moving, everything makes sense with everything else. Why do I feel that I am not part of this world of everything? I am standing here, I am watching, I am listening. I can breathe more air in here. I like it. There are flowers, there are people who are making beautiful things, I would love to make beautiful things too. There are uncountable possibilities, wow, I wanna do it. I mean why not, may be it was this beautiful soulful art that was calling me. I decided to run behind them, they will ta...
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My Friend I

The shell I own.  The fire I own.  The valor I hold.  This life that I own, I see it all. I see it all, from far away, I hear it in me, it pounds in my heart. Pounds in my chest and in my head, to tell me something, that I don't hear. I wish I did, I try to listen but I can't. Although I wish I did.  There is a whisper, its comforting. I am mystified by how that whisper knows exactly what I need to hear. I follow it, I go behind it, it doesn't seem so safe though. I met someone during the chase, they were nice, told me there is nothing to look, its just nothing, seemed true, so I came back with them. To be honest, it also looked like vast nothing, so ok, I stopped looking. I listen to a wall, it whispers to me, tells me to stay, it tells me to turn away, go back and get back to life, that is on the outside. That wall is my friend, I have faith, I trust it, it protects me, but doesn't let me too close to itself. Why, why would a friend do that? Its ok though, its nice...
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To, Dear Little Sister

  Few things I want to tell you: It is not at all necessary that what you think you want to do, should be fun, and you should be happy hundred percent of the times doing it It is not at all necessary that what you are doing, you like every part of it. You may hate it and still wanna do it, and that is absolutely fine You are allowed to complain, even if you are on your own path. If you are doing something you feel, you have chosen for yourself, you still can be unhappy about it and complain about it  Whatever you want to do, it is not necessary you have to ace in it. You are allowed to be just ok at it, and continue being ok at it Being on top of everything is not the only thing to live for You might like something now, and you might not like that thing later, that is also ok, you are allowed to grow out of your past dreams and aspire for new things You are allowed to choose things and paths for you, that might be uncomfortable for others No decision in life is do or die, noth...
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Honesty Is My Sassy

  They say don't let them see your heart, they will find ways to use you. I always had my walls up, with on point comebacks, but still I couldn't save myself from being used. It happened. It was my mistake, because  I was too kind I didn't have a proper answer I wasn't careful enough from the beginning I didn't form proper sentences I was incapable of hiding my incapability  I take everything too seriously  I should have been able to carve the conversation in my favor  I am a bad negotiator  Aren't these too many rules, to follow, all the time. So, being a weak person, I decided to let a couple of rules slip. And did the unspeakable, spoke my mind. What got into me that I did it, you ask, because, I was tired of choosing the right set of words I was tired of framing sentences, that, were non aggressive  said no non-negatively  didn't show my emotions didn't hurt anyone's sentiments convey everything in concise and crisp way stand my ground firmly ...
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