From That To This

NM

The first guy with his porcelain skin and brown hair made my 14 year old self feel something downstairs. I just wanted to talk to him all the time, and it made me feel important and beautiful.

AB

He made me feel like a special friend and important. I wanted to be the first one he comes to when anything shareable happened in his life.

VK

That was a severe one. I really wanted it to turn into something.

AS

It was a fleeting sweet thing. Didn't mean much but made me feel nice for a very brief time.

SA

This was forced by friends, I was crushing on him under peer pressure. We had one close chat about soap opera. I was quite indifferent, but ok, as long as I get to be the center of discussions, and get nudged by friends.

CD

It was sapiosexual thing

LS

It was again a sapiosexual thing. I got some favors during my school time, even gifts. It was fun.

RS

I thought I was ready for mature sexual encounter, but I was not even close. I was saved before anything unhealthy could have happened. We used to sext and I was so immature and stupid that he blocked me. Thank god.

CK

He was probably a thing, which was not unrequited. He said the three words to me. But I wasn't in love with him, I was not even infatuated, I was just obligated to take whatever was offered me. I didn't feel worthy, had zero self esteem and self respect. When things became more serious than just texts, I started withdrawing and that was it. Brutal block and goodbye.

VR

It was mostly his clean look, fair skin and my sapiosexuality. I actually harassed him because I wanted to feel like I was someone's choice. I was somehow convinced that he is an intelligent person, I don't know till date, but I guess he was sincere.

SA

He was an authoritative, insecure, caste system bound jerk. He literally forced me to accept that I am in relationship with him. He was emotionally available by screaming at me, and guilting me out of my situation, because my needs made him feel uncomfortable. So yeah. That's that. To make me feel more obligated he asked me to get engaged during college, and I didn't know how to react, should I be blushing or straight up disgusted. I am so glad I got out of it. Thank god he lost interest in me, thank god he was cheating on me and thank god he got another girl to abuse. As I am writing this, I realize I was in a serious toxic relationship, and I was getting deeper in it. No self love much!

AC

He was trying to buy me, his self-sales pitch was that that he is going to have shit load of money and I will be able to buy anything and everything. Each time he called me, he was only trying to convince me to say yes and just be with him. He sent me a porn picture once. Whenever he called me, I could hear moaning in the background. He used to say that it was just some network issue, and I was scared to confront, so I kept going. In all honesty, I was shit scared that if I am stern then, he will rape me and murder me. Literally so scared. 

Shamad

My sapiosexuality, I guess. I refuse to believe that we were only friends. He would chat with me and call me any chance he got. We used to have long discussions about, just things, his family. I refuse to believe that you bring special sweets from home, just for a friend. I refuse to believe that you block streetlight for your friend, try to hold their hand, and try get pictures with just you, even in group photos. I refuse to believe that you try to push away your guy friend who is standing between you and your just friend. I refuse to believe that you search for your just friend in the crowd, just to sit and talk with them. I refuse to believe that you bring coffee for your just friend, make them drink it in your favorite way, and make them laugh by being super silly. I refuse to believe that you call your just friend in your guys only hang out time, and call your just friend, just after they leave because you wish that they could stay a little longer. You wouldn't trust your dear baby sister, with just any friend. You wouldn't make sure that you sit near your friend in group restaurant visits. You wouldn't feed them from your plate. You wouldn't just embrace them as tightly as you could for every photo opportunity you get. Having him around, just made my heart burst out of love. Well my hostel mates invalidated all of this because we weren't physical. It took me years to accept myself. I cannot hold grudge against just them, he invalidated it all too. He said that I was his very good friend since the beginning of time. So there's that. Now he is married to a girl from his MBA college. Also, most importantly he doesn't let himself feel anything when there is no future. You don't become someone's number one contact for emotional distress just like that. You don't just come and  wrap your arms around someone, if you see them crying. You don't gift your just friends with an expensive chocolate each time you see them.

RR

Major man child and my rebound. He wanted someone to take care of him, that kept me busy for a while. I did not love him at all. I was using him to make myself feel ok. I quite don't know what all happened in there. I kissed him, yes, but it was mostly under obligation. It did not feel nice, it did not feel natural. Obviously, he got attracted to younger girl. Well good riddance. It was getting unbearable with each passing day. I fought with him for no reason. I pushed him away as hard as I could. I just needed to be depressed, lie in bed and cry for my loss. I did not need a man child, who wants taking care of all the time. I am an overthinker when I bring my needs to the table, obviously it doesn't apply to other side of the table. He was a nice person, but I was in a very bad place.

SU

Egocentric, narcissistic, abusive, rapist, self obsessed maniac. I was attracted to him because he was workaholic, may be sapiosexuality placed in the worst place. Ugh. Also, I wanted to know if I was over Shamad. No. I wasn't. But thank god, I had much more self love, and self acceptance by that time. I truly dodged a bullet here. It was a mistake. 

SM

He was a man whore. I had zero feelings for him, maybe a mild crush, because he used to hug me a lot and made me feel like a special friend. Liar. My mother wanted me to have feelings, because he had a very muscular body. He was just a fleeting funny thing. Who wouldn't like touching big muscles, I mean hormones have no moral compass.

ND

Sapiosexuality alert! He used to take charge, he used to own his shit, he was loud, he would do anything for his friends and he walked like he owned the room. He was passionate, and a drug addict. So what's not to like. I was in recovery when I saw him, and his addiction made him so much more attractive. Plus he always saved a seat for me everywhere, so yeah. But he made it very clear, in the beginning, that he is not romantically interested in anyone. Also I wasn't over Shamad, so I was just enjoying while it was good. He was using me for assignments and shit. Later when I refused to do him favors, which were not in his favor, like doing his work for him, his attention got deviated. That was a little disappointing but I saw it coming. His addiction was deepening, his relationship with food was getting worse in front of my eyes. So yeah! I am not that blind, I can see the red flags. It was a clean break, out of sight out of mind kind of situation. 

Unnamed 

Hugs, pecks, discussions, laughter, wrestling and dark humour. All in one. I have decided to supress my feelings, let them be, once in a while cry about not having what I want. The way I want it. I need to be needed. I want people to be as considerate as I am. I need reciprocation, the one that stays. I am fed up of being used, but I can't stop myself from giving. I am sorry I am too kind. It hurts everytime he leaves. Now I know what "Everytime we say goodbye baby it hurts" means. I want to kiss him, I want to lie with him, talk to him. But he belongs to a different world, his people are different. So I am going to cut myself slack, and not try to make this work. Imagine and get aggressive for not having it my way. Rather than having a huge breakup, be betrayed (all in my mind), and mourn for years, I am just gonna live with half broken heart, and ease into pain and get comfortable with it. What I have with him is absolutely beautiful, his hugs, makes me feel true, makes me feel grounded. I want to put my head on his chest, and sleep. I want him to hold me all the time. I love him very much, he knows that, and let's keep it that. And yes, fast forward 7 years from last abusive relationship, this is where I am. And there is a possibility I have moved on from Shamad. Somehow his wedding was a sigh of relief. I have no hopes anymore. That's fun, to not wait anymore. His (not Shamad anymore) voice melts my heart, when he said "I know it's overwhelming, but it's going to be okay". I am sure I am mom zoned, sister zoned, and whatever other non romantic zones are, but I light up everytime I see him and his hugs feel like home. Although I know that he is from different world, and he likes it better there, he is more comfortable there, all this makes sense to me. He is young and he is trying to find his place in the world and I am nowhere near those things, I am in the know and I accept the reality, but still his ignorance hurts. I cannot stop thinking about him. This one feels like a calmer thing, I can be happy for him, I can be grateful that he is doing better. This doesn't feel like obsession, or may be I am a grown up now and have a better hold of my emotions, or may be its the pills. Whatever it is, I want to fix him with my love. In this moment, I accept that he is not mine and I can feel a pinch in my chest. Acceptance does not mean I will not cry or yearn for him. I know he is not mine, his happiness lies elsewhere. His wellbeing is what matters. I don't want him to bend for me, at all. Once again it's my unrequited love, he makes me feel weak. But I would like to keep this light in me. I have thrown water over it once, I can't handle the smoke. Bhavana says I don't know how to differentiate between love and friendship, may be it's true, may be it's not, I do not know. Mine, my wellbeing, my happiness, it doesn't matter because me and my mind, we are not on the same page. I love him the way I do, and he doesn't know how to love yet. So may be another time, another life. I wish I could push restart now. 

I am guessing for the first time, I am not going head on and deciding to fall in love completely. With each conversation we have, with each passing day, he annoys me, he makes me angrier. But each time we challenge each other's school of thoughts, I fall a few feet deeper. I have not known love like this. I don't know what kind of love this is. What I feel in the moment is, I just want to be near him, with him, talking to each other, just being. I don't know if this romantic love. I don't know if this is some other kind of love. I have no way to know. I just want this passive aggressive feeling to not end, and just be with me. It feels like, that's it, I don't want anything anymore. 

All these unrequited feelings, I feel bad that this will all end because he doesn't feel that way. Some day I will expect more, I will ask for more and obviously he will not be able to do that. I will push harder, I will get unreasonably aggressive and finally push him away. I don't know if it's going to be like this or not, but this is what I have known about me, from the past. If this is what love is, then, I did not have this with Shamad at all. With Shamad it was pure frustration, anger, endless waiting, and crying. I was also a kid back then. There were very few moments with him, that I could cherish and remember. It's not only about now, but it has been same since always. There were few fleeting moments of happiness. And I was living from one moment to another. Cherishing the one that has gone and waiting eagerly for the next one. Slowly the time gap between those moments kept on increasing and I kept waiting, and waiting for 10 long years, when he got married to some other girl, now I am not waiting anymore. So it was more forced situation from my side. I desparately wanted it to become something, because he was the only guy around who spoke normally. I moved to a new city. And in this new city, whenever I went out, I was hoping I find him. Everytime bell rang, I hoped it was him. So it was just a long long streak of waiting and murdering my hopes. While, while, there was nothing on the other side, nothing at all. There have been only two guys for whom I have had genuine feelings, I confessed, I was naked vulnerable, suddenly. None of them replied and both of the times I hoped that they would. I was hoping for a miracle. I find peace in believing that I belong elsewhere. I am sure about this belief. So this time I am just going to cherish the bond I have, and put no pressure on it for moulding it my way. I don't even know what my way is! It hurts, definitely, I think about it all the time. I think about what it could have been, I like to imagine that they said the same things to me. I like to imagine that they caught onto my feelings and said those things to me. Or even going way far ahead of myself, I like to imagine that they felt this passionately for me, like I do for them, and they just express, we hug, we embrace each other, kiss, and work on this each and every day. I am fed up of settling down my feelings, having to shut them down, having to tone them down. I feel like I need to scream for few days, straight. 

I have unrealistic expectations, like praise me all the time, pamper me, have insightful discussions, all the time, keep loving me, and persuading me to be ok. So these are more like imagination. 

I am tired of picking up shreds of reactions and care and tenderness.

Oh please stop! Stop applauding for me! No no, stop I am flattered and embarassed, please stop! Once again I am a winner. I gave him my time, my love, my emotions, my care and tenderness. He has a girl, now! (*Applauses)

Yay! Once again I let myself be used. Nothing for me in it. I wanted to be wanted, stupid me! Expecting so little, look at the bigger picture, I get to be the one who cries to sleep, wondering, craving, loveless. Wow! I sure have strived a lot for this. Thank you once again, I am all broken and I get to pick up my pieces all over again. Such Fun!

He dead! The guy I imagined, he was never there. So yeah! Once again!