So Still, So Quiet III

The wall I broke, the bones I shattered

Made you angry, I know you are disappointed

I know you aren't keeping well, I know I shouldn't have 

I betrayed you, I know I left you 

I deserve to be betrayed too. I am sorry I can breathe a little better. I am sorry I want more, I want to search, I want to find. I am sorry I don't want to suffocate anymore. I am sorry I want to be found, and be lost anymore. My friend.

I ran, reached outside, there is a lot of blur. Everyone and everything is moving, everything makes sense with everything else. Why do I feel that I am not part of this world of everything? I am standing here, I am watching, I am listening. I can breathe more air in here. I like it. There are flowers, there are people who are making beautiful things, I would love to make beautiful things too. There are uncountable possibilities, wow, I wanna do it. I mean why not, may be it was this beautiful soulful art that was calling me. I decided to run behind them, they will take me home, and, yes then that will that, I will be home.

Let's begin. Where to begin? How to begin? What is it called that I want to begin? Who will teach? What do I need to bring? "You don't even know this" I heard "Good luck! learning anything". "Its not something teachable, its something you know already". Okay. Everyone seems to know a lot around here. They were here way before me, so I guess that's a given that will be ahead of me. I hate myself so much right now. Why couldn't I have just made it earlier, I was stuck with my lame and fake excuses. I don't see anyone else cribbing about their troubled inner self. They are powering through. I just hate myself, I am of no use. Why can I not be like everyone else. That would have made everything so much better and so much easier. What a fraud I am, but I have to do this. I will struggle and hustle, I will put 10 times more effort. May be I will be able to catch up with everyone else. I will never be good at it, but I have to ace it. From now on, I will just power through, just do it. I cannot allow myself to fall behind. I have spent enough time being miserable for no reason at all.

May be I am just pretending, may be I have been alright all along. They say come out of your comfort zone. Although, I have never felt comfortable. See again that self pity, being the victim. For whom do I keep writing, expressing? Pretending to be wise. Being wise is for fools, and failures who don't win their race. The ones who fail themselves and their family. Utter disappointment. Everyone just walked, pushed, pushed through, and I am starting to think about jump in. Obviously I have no chance here, it's better to give up. There are a lot of everything, and I have a lot of nothing. I am never going to be enough. 

May be, my friend was right. They knew, I even failed them. Huh, in search of love, I cracked my bones. The love I was looking for, is the one I left behind. I left behind, sick and bleeding. My chest feels tight, the air doesn't seem to go in. I can feel it on my face, the air, it's there, it isn't just for me. May be my share is over. Well deserved. 

The hate, the loathe, the need to win 

The dreams to be achieved, I am told they are my dreams. Are they?

Lack of air, in my lungs, lack of strength, in my knees, my cold face, and my sweaty hands.

This is all on me. I brought it all on myself. I had the audacity to expect to be accepted for who I am. To be loved for who I am. Why am I not struggling to be better version of myself, why am I not trying fix myself, making myself normal. Fit in the box, the loveable box. Why am I thinking of living outside the box.

Keep it simple silly, it's not rocket science.

Live in the box of normalcy, its so simple

And to fit in, you just have to keep thinking outside the box

Keep impressing the higher ups 

This constant battle, this rage in me, this need to burst out, my face tingling, I wanna tear my skin off, I wanna scream, scream my air deprived lungs out. May be.. just may be. Deja Vu. 

Now I am remembering, outside is this 

Inside was an option, my comfort zone 

I broke that, 

I keep being asked, "Why do you keep fighting?" And also "Nobody is saying anything to me" is being brought to my notice alot. If I completely leave myself out of the scene, then it is absolutely still and quiet. It is a smooth sailing cruise. For how long can I keep myself away from me. How long can I be part of this quiet. Was this quiet calling me? Was this the love I came after? Where can I find place for me, the whole me? Inside used to be an option, my comfort zone has fallen apart. My friend is unwell, won't tell their whereabouts, I should may be go look for them. 

Still and quiet, they would know about it more. 

Or some place else which is neither. I brought down my safe space for what felt real, far away though. I should have left myself behind, may be then "it" would be closer. Yes, I am the one who brought my comfort zone to shambles. In my defence, there was too much fighting, so I did not know that I am in my "comfort zone".