My Friend I

The shell I own. The fire I own. The valor I hold. This life that I own, I see it all.

I see it all, from far away, I hear it in me, it pounds in my heart.

Pounds in my chest and in my head, to tell me something, that I don't hear. I wish I did, I try to listen but I can't. Although I wish I did. 

There is a whisper, its comforting. I am mystified by how that whisper knows exactly what I need to hear. I follow it, I go behind it, it doesn't seem so safe though. I met someone during the chase, they were nice, told me there is nothing to look, its just nothing, seemed true, so I came back with them. To be honest, it also looked like vast nothing, so ok, I stopped looking.

I listen to a wall, it whispers to me, tells me to stay, it tells me to turn away, go back and get back to life, that is on the outside. That wall is my friend, I have faith, I trust it, it protects me, but doesn't let me too close to itself. Why, why would a friend do that? Its ok though, its nice in here, I have all I need. Its close, its cozy, its just me, it doesn't hurt in here. There is this bond we have, I believe it, it won't let me suffer, it won't let me endure the pain. It is starting to suffocate me. Its been long since I have been here. 

There is someone calling. I should probably go look for them. I don't like the sound of it, I imagine it being horrid. But there are fibers in me, they want to see, they want to feel, its been long. The shell is sweet, I belong here, but what if there is more to where I should belong. May be its a dark place, may be its a demon, and I see some cracks on the edges of my wall. Where, where did my friend go? They showed me the right way, they brought me back to light. I cannot do this alone. And there are cracks, it never even shook before. My friend told me not to trust outside, its not nice out there, but there is a crack, I.... The cracks, are these really cracks. What am I feeling? Is it a feeling? Is this a feeling? Why am I? Why me? I need my friend, where are they? There is a crack and ground is shifting. Floor is shaking. I don't have it, how should I fix it. May be I will run away look for my friend. I will find them, they will.... I want to fix it. Stop calling me, I need to fix this, I need to find. 

Hey, hey, I need you. Where have you been, I have been looking for you my friend, the floor is shifting, there is a crack. You fix it. Come with me. 

See..... that is exactly why I was looking for my friend. They hugged me, walked with me, and we left the shaking & breaking behind. I needed this, this is what I needed. Don't leave me my friend. Do you hear a calling too, I do. Its annoying, but I think it needs me, should I go and look. No. But there is someone calling....

The comfort and fear

There is certainty and vision is clear

I don't "have" to look outside, in nothingness, what could possibly be there

But who is that, calling me, may be someone needs help, what if they are in pain, but what do I have to do with it anyway. I am comfortable here, I am gonna hang in here for a little while. I have more corners left. Cracks are that side, why do I care? Even if the wall shatters, which it will not, there is no chance it can, why would it hurt me... coming down... it won't. It cannot do that to me, it cannot, I know. It has never even let me too close because its outside on the other side. What will I do there, its perfectly fine. I can feel the cracks, creeping up to me. Thuds getting closer, louder and freezing. Its suddenly cold. The gap is widening. I don't have to see outside, I don't want to. My friend where did you go? Shaking is back and forth. Head buried in my knees, hands clenched together, tightly, very much so. Where did they go? Hold my hand, pull me up, I cannot do this, its catching up to me, I am not good enough, I am a disappointment, nobody wants me, nobody loves me, I am not needed, I am no one to anyone, I don't belong anywhere, I am just here, and there is no where, and if I don't be perfect then I am useless. I have to get this right, at least something, at least I have my talent, but I am so bad at it, I suck at it, it is hardly anything, I will perfect it, day in and day out. I have to, my friend, come and take me with you. I have to do this, I need to do this, the cracks are coming, debris is falling, I can hear the pounding, its me, its pounding...there is something.... I need to perfect this, I am not good enough. I need to fix myself, I have to fix myself, I need to be better to be liked, I have to do this.... thumping.... thumping... My friend.... you come please. I cannot move I am buried in debris, please come pull me out. I have to do this, I am already this old and I am piece of junk. My left shoulder feels heavy, my face is tingling, may be I am dying, may be I deserve it, and who is gonna care anyways, its not like I matter, or anyone is waiting for me. I am alone and I have always been alone. I hope this pressure takes me with it now. I am no good, I hope I am having a heart attack. Please god let it be the heart attack. Wait.

"Hey, hey, are you ok? You look flustered. See you are in your safe space, walls are intact, I am here, see everything is ok. Outside is useless, we are here together, we don't need anything else. See its all fine now.", my friend told me. And by the way that pressure in my shoulder, it was my friend tapping me,so we are good. They, I am talking about my friend, is my savior. Just knows when to and how to help me. I was worried about nothing, the walls have healed back up, the floor is rock solid. They also told me that I can ignore the outside calls. My friend is very intelligent, and know it all, so yeah. Its all good now.

I want to learn, I want to create, I want to keep learning and creating. I want to love and I want to care, and I want to keep doing that. I want it for myself too. My friend is great, but, I am scared to say it, I am scared of admitting, what if my friend gets angry. Who will rescue me from shifting ground. I wonder what's up there, should I lift my head up, what if my friend doesn't want me to. I can take a peek, I want to know what's up there, is that so bad. Lifts head up, only to find endless nothing till the end of up. I am scared to admit that may be, I am not sure, may be I am just imagining, I want more. I want more than the comfort of my den. I want more......than my just rescuing friend. Ugh. For once will these outsiders just not be so loud. If nothing, at least, they can speak one at a time. Why won't they stop disturbing me, why are they calling me? Speak one by one, you morons, I cannot understand anything, I don't even want to. I have to create. I have to Ace this. 

Wait, I heard someone, they said they love me, they want me, I think I should may be, I don't know. Do they, that cannot be real. What is there in me to love, or even like. I am just nobody, but they are saying they love me. "You better be cautious of thugs, and liars, and what do we have to offer", my friend is telling me, hmm, I see total sense in that. Anyways, I am too busy. 

When all got quiet for a fleeting second,

Love for me is what I heard, loud and very clear. That second, that singular fleeting second. A push, that banged me against the wall. But how do I know it's real, not a conspiracy, not a trap. My smart friend warned me, but there is already more that I want. My friend will get angry.