Honesty Is My Sassy

 They say don't let them see your heart, they will find ways to use you.

I always had my walls up, with on point comebacks, but still I couldn't save myself from being used. It happened. It was my mistake, because 

  1. I was too kind
  2. I didn't have a proper answer
  3. I wasn't careful enough from the beginning
  4. I didn't form proper sentences
  5. I was incapable of hiding my incapability 
  6. I take everything too seriously 
  7. I should have been able to carve the conversation in my favor 
  8. I am a bad negotiator 
Aren't these too many rules, to follow, all the time. So, being a weak person, I decided to let a couple of rules slip. And did the unspeakable, spoke my mind. What got into me that I did it, you ask, because,
  1. I was tired of choosing the right set of words
  2. I was tired of framing sentences, that,
    • were non aggressive 
    • said no non-negatively 
    • didn't show my emotions
    • didn't hurt anyone's sentiments
    • convey everything in concise and crisp way
    • stand my ground firmly
Idea is not to be rude or hurt anyone. It is to allow myself to be descriptive and take pauses in between. I want to use a tone which is not neutral in some conversations. I want to say no, by saying "no". No wonder most of us think that saying no are bad manners. Ha ha. When in a conversation, I wouldn't mind spending some time talking, not talking, and then talk and let go. We are conditioned to hide our emotions, so very hard, and in the process of hiding we start suppressing them, just to be sure that they don't surface. You can never be too careful. After all getting all emotional is weakness. Hmm, high thick walls. Well, they aren't serving me anymore.

How wild would it be, to face my feelings head on, begin with being honest with myself. Say how I feel, let myself feel how I feel. Well that deserves a finger snap! Not going to shame myself for not fitting in. I am not going to hurt myself for not having the aspirations, they want me to have. Sorry you feel I am wasting my life, I wouldn't have a life if I don't start being honest, right now. I might fail, that will not be a new feeling, I can deal with it. How about if I don't, that will be new. Guess, I am going to stick to "keep innovating". 

PS : I am sorry but I am going to choose to try living and not just breathing. Also, I want to see how used and hurt I am now, in comparison to before. Fun. 

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